What Really Matters
by KittyBlue
Summary: The only thing she ever wanted and needed was gone. -Violate-


_**What really matters.** _

* * *

They say when you want something_ really bad_ it doesn`t matter if it ruins everything else.

Until this point she never really cared about the mess she left behind as long as she got what she wanted. The end justifies the means, and all that. She always believed that as long as she still wanted what she got in the end, the flaws and the cracks were just as beautiful as his melodic laughter and as sweet as his tender kisses, so it was alright. She didn`t matter as an individual, the one thing that mattered was the effort and love she put into it. The hate, the envy and the sadness didn`t matter.. But, now, _she knows better_.

Even if she never cared about the scars and the cracks, even if she didn`t want anything else but him, when all was said and done, the only thing she ever wanted and needed was _gone_._ By her own choice to_o. She thought she could handle it, that nothing could make this love they had go wrong. How naive. She should have let her mind do the thinking, just one more time; she should have thought it through, at that moment when she first met him, when he entered her life like the weird, but interesting delinquent she thought he was. Instead she told herself that nothing else could hurt her, by that point she believe nothing else could really, she was that numb.

Despite everything, the fact still stands. She was all alone again, just like in the very beginning, no, it was actually _worst_, because now she wasn't really alone. She had come to terms to being stuck here surrounded by everyone, but she was still lonely, no one could really fill up the void he left behind. Now she was here, with nowhere to run for cover and the mess she made was always there as a painful reminder of what she once had. . .

At least in those darkest moments, she could borrow the room and bed that no longer was hers and she could pretend her _heart_ was still _beating_. Her voice could still sing those songs that he would usually sing along to. Sometimes when she closed her eyes, she would also pretend to sleep and she could even hear him whispering in her ear, every word sinking into her until it was too much and she had to scream at him to go away.

Actually, she still believed ruining everything didn`t really matter, because in the end she never really had a choice. From the moment she entered this house, _the path she was to take was only one_; and living in the house had taught her you can`t always prove what you feel by actions and sometimes words just aren`t enough too, because they could be _lies_. Was she ever going to be able to trust a _liar_? How was she supposed to forgive a _killer_? Should she just forget he was someone so _evil_?

And because he was always nearby, ready to seduce her into taking those steps again, she knew it would just take time, a long, long time maybe, but one day she would get over her own misery, and everyone else's, and stop feeling scared and the loneliness would force her to _give up_, to just surrender all over again to him. The strange part was that even though he wasn't here right now, he was close. She could feel him on edge, it was so _intense_ like she was the one feeling angry and frustrated without having a clue why. It was at times like this one, when she didn't really understand what was happening, but could still _feel so close to him_.. that she wondered if falling into that same darkness he was made of was like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Would she still be the same when she woke up in some sort of_ twisted wonderland_?

* * *

~AN: I have been into this fandom on and off the last year, though this is my first time writing for AHS. I feel kind of nervous now.. uhh.. This thing (just can't call it story) started as a little drabble of like 100 words or less that I wrote some months ago, but today when I found the original text I was so damn disappointed because it didn't feel like AHS at all! So I thought I could make it more Violate. This is the end result. Still seems a little off, I have so many thoughts on this little piece, makes me think I should try to break each paragraph into pages to make it a true story, but I'm too lazy, so this is it. I hope who ever reads this enjoy it though!


End file.
